As a mother I find that I get frustrated easily. The constant cooking, cleaning, carpooling and other household chores can get overwhelming. It is at those times that I might start with those accusations, that sound like this:
“Who left the juice out? ”
“Who made all these crumbs?”
“Who did this? Who took out all the legos and did not put them away?”
I think you have got the picture. When we start to speak to our kids in this way, you can be sure they will want to run the other way.
One great phrase to use in all this situations is this:
“In this house we don’t accuse; we focus on solutions.”
So if you start off accusing you can stop yourself and say this instead. This is what it can sound like:
- “Who left the juice out? Oh right, I forgot! In this house we don’t accuse we focus on solutions. It does not matter who left the juice out, it just needs to be put away.”
- “Who made all these crumbs? Oh right, I forgot! In this house we don’t accuse we focus on solutions: It does not matter who made these crumbs they just need to be swept up.”
- “Who did this? Who took out all the legos and did not put them away? Oh right, I forgot! In this house we don’t accuse we focus on solutions. I need help putting the legos away.”
When you do this you teach your kids so many great lessons:
- Even parents make mistakes.
- It’s okay to make mistakes
- What not to say and what to say instead
- How to communicate effectively with others by not accusing.
So what happens if you do all this and you hear your kids accusing you or others:
“Why didn’t you buy me the snack that I like?”
“She is so annoying, she always takes my toys and I don’t know where they are!”
You can say:
“You sound upset, let’s not accuse, let’s focus on solutions. You need to say, Mommy can you write down on your list, Danny needs pretzel sticks!”
“You sound angry at your sister, let’s not accuse, let’s focus on solutions. Can we think of a place to put them where she can’t reach?”
See, I told you it was a great phrase to use! I hope you can put it to use right away and see how it can bring some peace into your home.