“How Do You Love Me?”

“I love you.”

They are the three sweetest words in our language; wonderful, special words. Yet, the interpretation of these words can be just as distinctive as our fingerprints.

Pronouncing the phrase “I love you” may be the equivalent of physical affection for you, while your child may be one who shies away from hugs and kisses.

Does that mean that there is a lack of love in your child’s heart?


Your child may have another way of manifesting his love; perhaps his method of expressing affecting is giving gifts.

Imagine… that you have temporarily forgotten your native language, and your primary language has suddenly become foreign to your family- yet it contains the exact same words- albeit with different meanings! Each time your spouse requests a spoon, you hand him a hammer. When you are asked to be at 4th Street at 3:00 you process the request in your newfangled language and wait at the corner of 13th Avenue at 6:00.

What a mess!

Yet, if we do not take the time and emotional energy to understand our children’s language of love, a similar mess can ensue!

When we constantly give our children love in our language… they may be on the receiving end of a proverbial “hammer” instead of a “spoon”!

How can we know that the deep and profound love that we feel and express toward our children is actually reaching them?

The enlightening book, The Five Love Languages of Children, (available on Amazon or ebay) expounds on five distinct manners of expressing love. Oftentimes, members of the same family have vastly different love languages. Understanding and appreciating our children’s unique method of giving and receiving love will greatly enhance our relationship and their ability to truly feel understood and confident.

Some people seem to have 2 or more of the five characteristics, and although everyone can relate to each of the 5, there is generally one particular ‘language of love’ that really resonates with each personality.

I’ll summarize the five languages below; although my description is a drop in the bucket of what you will gain from actually reading this terrific book!

Does your child crave time alone with you and become disappointed when special time together is missed? Some children’s primary method of expressing love is by spending quality time with their loved one. Being rushed is seen as being insulted. It is essential to spend a lot of focused time with a child like this, because this is how love is internalized in their hearts.

Do you have a child that often requests rewards and just as often gives away all kinds of homemade gifts? Your child’s primary language is likely to be gift-giving– for these children giving and receiving physical items are their primary method of expressing love.

“Did I do a good job on this project?” – If you hear requests for feedback on a regular basis, your child’s main language of love is probably positive affirmations. It is through verbal strokes of his ego, complements, and sweet words of praise that this child articulates and accepts his love.

Someone whose primary love language is acts of service will view making the bed, running an errand, or taking out the trash as far more than a mundane favor. For this person, love is expressed in actions, and doing equals loving.

Do you have a child who is exceptionally cuddly? Physical affection is her language of love, where hugs, kisses, and caresses are more meaningful than any other method of expressing love.

In summary, it is so easy to be too busy to discover our children’s unique language of love- and thus spend their youth doling out power tools while their small souls are actually craving cutlery!

As a bonus, there is a chapter about understanding your spouse’s love language, which is just as important in building your healthy and loving family.

Take the time to read this enjoyable and informative book- I promise, you’ll love it!

And happy loving 🙂

Related Posts:


  1. Anayomous says:

    That is very interesting…I actually had to take the time and think it. I have two children, both boys, and both very different. One craves the alone time and is righly upset when it is shortened or notices I am giving attention to the other (which I attributed to being jealous). My other son, at first I didn’t think he fit into any of the categories described but after careful thought, he does like to give me stuff all the time which I never thought twice about. Rocks that he has found and coloured, flowers he picked on the way home..little things which I always just quickly thanked him for and never thought about. Thank you for sharing this with us, I will definately pay more attention to these moments from now on.

  2. Some of your words are coming out in nonsense. I’m not sure if you know that. 😉 I’m wondering if when I type and post it will look like that as well? I think it is called “windings”.

    Anyway, I have to give a hearty amen to your post. The Love Languages book and it’s companion Love Languages for Kids are awesome not only for your relationships with your children, but your relationships with your spouse.

    When a child sees his/her parents being affectionate in any way with each other, it builds self-esteem in the child. We need to remember that when we go about our day.


  3. Jan Horsnell says:

    Five languages of Love ideas can be used in most relationships. Five Languages of Love likely by the same author is worth a read. It makes missed or lost messages understandable and give strategies on how to understand and communicate and make relationships better.